


This Is My Confession

by Mosspool13



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Love Confessions, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-23 14:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20341531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosspool13/pseuds/Mosspool13
Summary: Beau realizes she's in love with Jester. Apparently, she's not the first one to know.[5 times Beau confesses her love for Jester to The Mighty Nein]





	This Is My Confession

**5\. Caleb**

She finds Caleb sitting in his room, sitting on the couch by the wall between two of his bookshelves. They are stacked high with books now, after several excursions about Wildemount, collecting books, fighting monsters, gaining knowledge, stopping the war, saving the goddamn world. Frumpkin is a curled mass at his feet, still the same tabby cat as always even though Beau has seen Caleb summon him to three-times his normal size. Sometimes, she wonders if Caleb will really go through with it, his plan to use Dunamancy to change his past. But it has been a long time since Beau had sat, staring at him from across a fire, Nott gnawing on a hunk of jerky, Molly singing loudly in her ear, Caleb's eyes haunted as the fire blazes.

He's still haunted by the flames, but the Nein have managed to make it easier for him.

"Caleb." She addresses him. He hums, engrossed in his book. "Caleb, I have to tell you something." 

"What is it?" He asks, glancing up. His face flickers for a moment, no doubt taking in her tense posture, and he gestures towards the couch seat next to him. "Sit, Beauregard."

She does, lowering herself into the space next to him, a careful distance to give him, and herself, some space. Caleb is still touchy about, well, touching, and Beau herself doesn't like too much contact. She's not a hugger, not like Jester, not like Nott, not like Caduceus.

He folds his thumb over his book, marking his place and gives her his full attention. "Is this pertinent for the group? Something we must deal with immediately? Dangerous?"

"No, it's not--" She huffs. "It's not super important or anything, just something I wanted advice with." Her knee jiggles up and down with poorly suppressed agitation.

"Ah," Caleb says, nods, looks back down at his book, opens it back to his page. "Perhaps you should speak to Jester, then. I am not the person to go to for advice."

"No, I fucking--" she breathes out through her nose, "I can't go to Jester. This is about Jester."

"Nott then." Caleb's eyes are on the page; he's officially lost interest. Beau snarls at him.

"Will you listen to me?"

"I am listening, Beauregard." He glances up at her with one eye. "I will endeavor to provide the best advice I can within my limits."

"Fine, whatever." She slumps further in her seat, arms crossed over her chest. She hears Caleb sigh.

"You are pouting."

"I'm not fucking pouting."

He sighs again but doesn't look up. "What is the problem, Beauregard?"

"It's not a problem." She defends. It's _not_, well, it's not supposed to be a problem. She rolls the words in her mouth a moment, before she rips off the band-aid. "I'm in love with Jester."

Caleb hums and relaxes, and Beau realizes he'd been tense the whole time. He had been paying attention to her after all. He flicks to the next page in his book, attention actually divided this time. "_Ja_, I know."

Beau stares at him. And stares some more. And then she hisses. "What? What the fuck do you mean, 'you know'?"

"Beauregard." Caleb says, flipping leisurely through his book like he has all the time in the world. Like Beau isn't having a fucking meltdown next to him. "I have known for a year now."

"WHAT?"

"You are not very subtle about it." He says, and then adds, "Caduceus, I'm sure, has known for longer."

"Fuck you." Beau hisses, and stands. Caleb finally looks up again, one eyebrow raised, like the _fucker_ he is. "I figured it out _last night_. Was I the _last _person to figure this shit out?" She pauses, a horrifying thought reaching her. "Does _Jester_ know?"

Caleb's expression morphs into surprise. "No, you are not the last person. I am reasonably sure Fjord still does not know." His mouth curls a little, in amusement.

"Does _Jester_ know." Beau repeats, teeth grinding.

Caleb tilts his head in her direction, his expression shifting into something contrite. "_Ja_, I believe so."

"_Fuck_." Beau spits. She stares at the wall over Caleb's head, running through scenarios and what-ifs, and thinking about all the conversations they had together over the last. apparently, _year_, that Beau was in love and completely fucking unaware of it. Everything has changed. She throws herself back into the chair, scowling at her feet and simpering with rage and embarrassment and fear, so much fear, because if Jester knows and hasn't talked to her about it? That means she doesn't feel the same.

Caleb leans over in his seat and awkwardly pats Beau's knee. She jerks, looking up at his solemn expression. "I apologize, Beauregard. I was unaware you did not know this about yourself. You are usually very perceptive."

"Apparently not this time." She growls, glaring at her fists. They are white-knuckled across her thighs, the bruises and split skin standing out stark against her robes and the dusky color of her skin. She wants to punch something.

"You said you needed advice?" Caleb begins, haltingly. "What advice could you possibly need from me about this? I am not--Nott is more equipped for this conversation. She is the one with the functioning relationship in this family."

Which is more or less true. Nott is the only one _in_ a relationship, but that's mostly because, apparently, Beau's oblivious, and Fjord's oblivious, but that's not news, and Yasha is still widowed and in love, and Caduceus doesn't, well, _doesn't_, and Caleb is too far down his hole of self-loathing to crawl out of it and admit--well, he's gotten better about it, recently of late. And Jester... Jester's been pining since forever over someone who is too oblivious to realize their own feelings let alone see someone else's. 

"Because you're my fucking friend, Caleb." She glares at him. His eyes are very wide. She rolls hers. How many time does she have to tell him? It's been months since the first time, before the Xhorhaus, the two of them, alone, sitting across from each other. For fuck's sake, Caleb calls them a family, but he doesn't really believe it, does he? Strike what she'd said earlier, he hasn't gotten better about his self-loathing _at all_. "And I can't go to Jester so I'm coming to you. Also because you'll give me actual real advice instead of Nott just telling me, 'oh, you should tell Jester, I'm sure she'll take it great and let you down gently'."

Caleb's mouth flattens. "You think Nott would do that to you?"

Beau throws her hands up. "I mean, she's been trying to set Fjord and Jester up since the beginning of every-fucking-thing."

Caleb's thumb rubs, rubs, rubs against his book, harsh against the lines of words that make up the cover. Beau peeks, because she's curious and because she's anxious that Caleb really will decide to go back in time, but the book is something related to magical beasts and not Dunamancy and she relaxes. "She would not do that to you."

Beau glares at her hands again. "I know. I'm just--I'm fucking irritated."

"About your feelings?"

"No, yes, I don't know!" She stands up, too jittery and on edge to sit, and paces the room. She disturbs Frumpkin, who leaps up and runs to Caleb's bed, fur fluffed up in annoyance. She'd say sorry but she's too annoyed to care right now. She whirls on Caleb, who is watching her warily from his spot on the couch. "What would you do, if you were me?"

She's fishing, and she knows it. Caleb's brow creases, and Beau knows he knows she's fishing too. But he answers her anyway. "I would not tell them how I felt." He says, and Beau raises an eyebrow at the neutral pronoun. Clever bastard. But using it at all is also meaningful. "But you Beauregard," he looks up and meets her gaze. "I think that you should tell Jester."

Beau sniffs. "You just told me you wouldn't say anything."

"_Ja_, I did." Caleb nods, then continues. "My relationship with--" and he falters a little. The wound is still fresh, she knows, and she almost feels sorry, but Astrid was a bitch, and Beau won't ever regret punching in her teeth for Caleb. "--Astrid, was... a different time. A different me. But what we had then, when it was the two of us, it was, we believed, worth the risk." he glances at her. "I believe that it will be worth the risk, Beauregard, to tell Jester."

She disagrees. The risk would be losing Jester's friendship. She knows Jester loves her, that's obvious, Jester tells her all the time, with a hug and a forehead kiss, but Beau would rather have that, eternal friendship, platonic cuddling, sleeping beside Jester, with the sound of her giggling in her sleep, then nothing. "If I play dumb, maybe I won't have to fuck this up anymore than it already is fucked." She says instead.

Caleb leans forward. His eyes are magnetic like this, electric blue with arcane energy. "I believe that Jester will surprise you, as she surprises all of us daily."

Beau snorts. "Too true."

"Think about it, Beauregard." Caleb says, leaning back and opening up his book, an effective dismissal. "That is my advice. If you would like a second opinion, I believe Nott is outside in the back with her son." 

**4\. Nott**

Luc Brenatto is almost six years old, he's growing out his hair, he's grown another inch, and he's learning how to use his mother's crossbow. 

"Ok, so you hold the end like this, so that when you want to release the arrow, you can pull the trigger with this finger." Nott is teaching her son, demonstrating with her crossbow, firing a bolt dead center into the bottle of alcohol resting on a propped up table. It looks like Nott pulled one of the tables from their dining room outside so that she could practice shooting with Luc. The bottle explodes with a sharp _pop_, glass flying in bits and pieces in every direction. Luc begins to clap, the destruction not bothering him in the least, after all, he is his mother's son. 

"Again! Again!" He cries, gleeful and young and Nott grins at him but hands him the crossbow instead. "You try." She coerces. 

He takes it eagerly, his little hands holding the crossbow awkwardly until Nott adjusts it for him. He brandishes it like he had that first time, wildly, Yeza's horrified eyes in the background. "Now, you flick your finger like this--" Nott begins to explain, and Luc's eagerness gets to the better of him, and the bolt flies off before he can aim. 

Beau has a second, just a moment to watch the rising horror on Luc's face and Nott's heading rising, her and Beau's gazes meeting, before Beau's hand comes up and the bolt stops inches from her eye. 

Luc throws the crossbow to the ground instantly. "Oh no! I'm--I'm really sorry!" He's got tears collecting in his eyes. 

Beau throws the bolt into the grass. "Not a problem, little buddy." She's gotten better about talking to Luc. She's still uncomfortable with it, the endearments still fresh in her mouth, like a candy she's only just beginning to learn the taste of. She's learning slowly, with exposure, because she knows if she can learn to talk to Luc properly, and enjoy it, that talking with her little brother will come easier. 

They haven't been back to see her parents since the last time, months ago, though she does exchange letters with her brother now. It's still in those early stages, but Beau is working on it. Fjord's approval in their correspondence and his support has helped a bit. She's still so fucking nervous. 

Nott runs her fingers through Luc's hair. "First rule of the crossbow, aim first, shoot after. But if you're gonna shoot first, it's better to do it when Beau is around and no one else, okay?" 

"Fuck you, Nott." Beau says, getting closer now. Nott only grins sharply back at her. It doesn't have the same effect as her smile used to, with the sharp canines. Now that she's a halfling again, Beau is still a bit startled by the lack of a toothy grin. Beau kind of misses it, actually, the feral smiles, though Veth Brenatto's face is just as expressive, if not so frightening. Nott had insisted the Nein continue to call her by her goblin's name, having embraced that version of herself in some respects: not the body, but the parts of her that her change had made her become. Nott the Brave and Veth Brenatto were one and the same, and she wanted to remember those parts, even if they were awful, she'd told them. So she was Veth and she was Nott. 

"What's up Beau?" Nott asks her, suspicious suddenly. 

"Yeah, I just wanted to talk with you a sec. Get your opinion on something." Beau says, glancing down at Luc. "Alone. If possible. Don't think Luc is old enough for this conversation." 

Nott looks at her curiously, possibly picking up on the edge to Beau's voice and her cryptic words, but she nudges Luc and kneels down a little. "Go show your father how well you can shoot, okay?"

"Okay!" Luc says, grabbing the crossbow, no longer uneasy after nearly shooting Beau in the eye with it. He runs back inside the Xhorhaus on light little feet. Nott straightens up to her full height, which is taller than her goblin form, but not by much. 

"So?" She asks, eyes narrowed. 

"Well, I need advice. And you're in a relationship."

"Uh huh." Nott says. Her voice is filled with amusement and mockery both. Beau scowls. 

"So I need advice about relationships. From you." 

"Because you've never been in a relationship before?" Nott needles. 

Beau grits her teeth. "Yes, because I've never been in a relationship before." 

Nott scoffs, and Beau is taken aback as she lifts her chin in the air. "Pull the other one, Beau. I've known about your 'secret'" she says the word with such a sarcastic emphasis that Beau can only stare, "relationship for months now. You're really not that secret about it! I don't know why you're keeping it a secret, it's not like any of us will disapprove," She taps her chin, "except maybe Fjord because he's a dick. But he wouldn't really disapprove just pretend to because, like I said, he's a dick." She says it fondly, with a curve of her mouth and Beau knows its because the two of them like to rib each other for the fun of it rather than due to any actual malice. Even after the whole... accent fiasco, and Fjord's abrupt, nearly abrupt, noticeable at least, change in personality and, well, _posture_, Nott had been kinder to him. They'd settled into something comfortable between the two of them, and the bickering had returned. 

"I'm not--" Beau starts to say and then cuts herself off, "who do you think I'm secretly dating?" She asks instead, curious despite herself. 

Nott ignores her, instead glaring and saying, "Why are you asking for advice now?" She reared up, as though coming to a striking realization. "Have you _done _something?" She whispers fiercely. "I thought something weird had happened last night! Do we need to do damage control, because I will sit the both of you down for a talk if I have to." Nott threatened. She pointed her finger at Beau. "I don't have my crossbow right now, and I love you, but if you were anyone else, other than Caleb of course, I'd shoot you for hurting Jester, okay?"

"You would actually shoot me?" Beau says. 

Nott shrugs. "You can just grab the bolt out of thin air. You'll be fine." 

"Fair." Beau nods, and then the rest of Nott's sentence catches up with her. "Wait. Jester?? You think I'm secretly dating Jester!?" 

Nott looks at her, unimpressed. "Who else would you be dating? You've been giving Jester moon eyes for a year now." 

Beau splutters. "I'm not secretly dating Jester! I'm not secretly dating anyone!" 

Nott scoffs again and Beau yells, "I only figured out I love her last night!" 

"...only last night?" Nott looks down at the grass, presses a fist to her mouth. "Wow." She winces. "That explains the whole... running away part last night." 

"Yeah." Beau says, sheepish.

"I've never seen you run from anything, except that dragon, that one time, and from the Laughing Hand, and all those times when buildings were collapsing around us... and--" 

"I get it, Nott." Beau interrupts her, impatient. "Caleb said the same fucking thing, that's he's known for a year. Was I really that obvious?" 

Nott grins. "You get all soppy around Jester. You do whatever she asks you to do. I figured it out that time she asked you to wear that dress for her." 

Beau remembers that. Had it really been a year? A red dress, a sun hat, Nicodranas heat, Jester in purple and the sand hot and soft against her toes? She'd worn the dress because Jester had asked her to, yes, but it hadn't been because she'd been in love.... had it? 

"You really aren't together?" Nott asks, biting her lip. "But what about all those kisses?"

"Platonic!"

"And the cuddling?"

"Jester likes to cuddle! She does it with everyone! Even you!"

"Yes, well, I'm married, and Jester is very cute and soft."

"I know!" Beau yells.

"What about the fact you sleep together?" 

"We're roommates. We've always been roommates! We have separate beds!" 

Nott shrugs. "Some marriages have separate beds." 

Beau snorts. "Well I wouldn't if I was married. I'd want to be wrapped around Jester all night just to hear her sounds in her sleep."

"That's adorable." Nott says, taken in and pleased and Beau realizes she really is soppy. 

"So, you need help confessing?" Nott says, getting back to the reason Beau came to her. "Well, this is Jester, so it has to be perfect." 

"Obviously." Beau says, and then backtracks. "No, wait, no I'm not confessing to Jester." 

Nott's eyes narrow. "Why not?" 

Beau gapes. "I _can't._ Jester doesn't love me back." 

"Beau." Nott says, serious and a little testy. "I thought you were in a _secret relationship_ with Jester." 

"I mean, I know she loves me but... not like that." Beau cant believe Jester loves her any more than as a friend. Beau is good at knowing when someone is attracted to her. They look at her, and they size her up, or they chat her up, and she can see it in their eyes, the lust, the interest. She knows how to flirt and how to take someone to bed, but her relationship with Jester isn't like that at all. Jester never looks at her like the girls Beau picks up at taverns.

Nott huffs and stands. There are grass stains in her dress and stockings but she doesn't seem to notice or care. There are buttons sewed into the sleeves of her dress, and she lifts a hand and pinches one off. It's a blue button, almost the same color as Jester's skin, and Beau is so fucking gone if she's comparing buttons to Jester. Well, Jester is as cute as a button. 

She lifts the button and shows it to Beau. "This. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to make you something, and when I'm done I'm going to give it to you." She waves the button meaningfully. "I think you should wait to decide what you'll do until I give it to you, but I really think you should tell Jester." 

"What are you going to make?" Beau asks her, instead of replying.

"It's a surprise!" Nott says, grinning, and then she sobers. (Back in her own body, she drinks less, though the taste of alcohol and her alcoholism is still a vice she struggles with. Nott has actively tried to stop, due in part to Yeza and Jester's support.) "I'll support whatever decision you come to. Even if it's the wrong one." 

Beau huffs, but she smiles. "Yeah, okay Nott." 

Nott grins. "Good. Well! I have work to do!" She strides past Beau, holding the button aloft. "Be careful walking around the house though, my son is armed and dangerous, after all!" 

**3\. Caduceus**

She's not satisfied, but she's willing to wait for Nott to get back to her, so she wanders the Xhorhaus. If her feet lead her towards the kitchens, then that's just coincidence.

It's also coincidence that she finds Caduceus there. 

He's cooking something. Something most likely healthy and herbal, and made of greens and leaves and dead-people tea. Beau is used to it now, the healthy diet, even if she misses meat. She still carries around pocket bacon for this very reason. 

Caduceus is wearing an apron, and his furry hands are wrapped around a ladle which he is using to mix a pot that smells heavenly. Caduceus may only cook vegetables, and fruits, and tofu, but whatever he makes is always delicious. 

"Duece, what you got there?" Beau asks, hovering by the pot. Caduceus' ear flicks.

"It's a wonder pot." He says. "I found the recipe in one of the cooking books Jester bought me a while back. Thought I'd try it out since it seems we'll be here a while." 

"Smells fucking fantastic." Beau praises, taking a deeper whiff. Ahh. 

"Is there something you need, Miss Beau?" 

Beau tenses. "Why? Do you think I need something?"

Caduceus was looking at her the way he had looked at Fjord before he'd found his path with The Wildmother, or looked at Nott when she'd started struggling with her alcohol addiction. When he'd kept an eye on Caleb while they'd been hot on Ikithon's trail, chasing his scourgers across battlefields, or the way he'd counseled Yasha when she'd been dealing with the trauma of nearly killing her friends, and bringing forth a great legendary evil. The way he'd comforted Jester when her father refused to admit she was his daughter. The way he'd looked at her when she'd faced her parents for the first time in a long time. It was a familiar look, it was what Beau liked to call, the Caduceus Gaze, which flitted between emotions, often disappointment, beseeching, calm, faithful, moarning… whatever suited the situation. Caduceus was an all-knowing being, it scared Beau sometimes the way he could just... understand you.

He was doing it now, and it made her hackles raise. 

"I'm not going to pretend that you don't know what's been going on with me for, I guess, a fucking year now." Beau said, clenching and unclenching her fists. "But I'm not here to complain or anything, or to talk about it." 

Caduceus tilted his head at her without a word. Beau's lips tightened in a frown. There was silence between them, Caduceus patiently stirring his ladle and Beau glaring at the side of the pot, watching the ladle turn, and turn, and turn.

Until she burst. "_Fine_." She spat. "I have a little problem."

"Is it a problem I can help with?"

"I--" Beau startles. "I don't know, maybe? I mean, you don't like--you know, _do_ that kind of thing, right?"

"I do a lot of things, but I also don't do a lot of things..." He tilts his head, this time with his brow furrowed. "That's confusing."

"I mean, like, romance and sex and stuff like that."

"Oh." Caduceus nods. "I don't--yes, that is not something I... do."

"Yeah, okay." Beau nods, because she'd suspected as much, and sort of known, and Caduceus more or less hadn't said it but he'd implied it a few times, and he'd seemed uninterested more often than not, so Beau had thought so, but hadn't been sure. "I don't like to you know..." she continues gruffly, "assume anything, especially because you and Fjord are pretty close with your..." she waves her hand. "religion stuff. And it's really fucking annoying when people assume stuff, like that I could possibly," her nose wrinkles thinking about it. 

She stops that train of thought and moves on, "so, I have this problem. I'm in love with Jester, and Caleb and Nott think I should tell her but Caleb says she's known for a while and she hasn't said anything. So that means she doesn't reciprocate, right? I mean, what else could that mean? Whatever. If I tell her, our friendship is pretty much over, done, kicked to the fucking side and stomped on." She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "And if I don't tell her, I'm stuck in limbo."

"Why would you be stuck in a dance?"

"No, Duece, it's a fucking--" She sighs. "Nevermind. I know you don't do this sort of thing, but let's pretend that you did, like someone, love them."

"I know that I do. There is my family and our group." Caduceus said, looking down at her all calm and smooth-like. "But this is the more complicated love you are talking about, I think?"

"Yeah. Like heart beating rabbit-fast kind of love. Like you can't fucking breathe without being near them, kind of love. Like, the world won't stop spinning unless they're holding your hand kind of love. Soppy, and stupid and fucking terrifying." Beau huffs and looks away, down at the tabletop and the pot simmering on the fire.

A furry hand rests on Beau's shoulder, secure and soft and meaningful. "It sounds very hard."

"It is." Beau says, biting her lip. "It really fucking is."

"I don't quite understand." Caduceus says, pulling his hand away and turning back to his pot to stir it clockwise, and then counterclockwise, and then back again, his gaze intent. "But your question is whether you should tell Jester or not about your feelings?"

"Yeah."

"But you say she already knows about them." Caduceus continues. "So telling her won't change anything."

"I--" Beau frowns. "I...guess not? But she'll know that I know that she knows! And that will make things fucking awkward."

"Will it?" Caduceus asks, looking up and glancing at her with his languid, all-seeing eyes.

"Yes." She doesn't know how she can convey her fear about telling Jester and having it all go sideways. She doesn't want to lose what she already has, she just wants to gain more of it. More. She's selfish is what it is, a fucking asshole of a person. She wants more of Jester. And maybe the fact that Jester hasn't confronted her about it is Jester's way of saying she has nothing more she is willing to give.

"Hmm. Well, telling her will answer your question for you. You won't know what will happen until you do." He says, raising the ladle and holding it out to Beau. "Can you taste this?"

She does, obliges, tilting her chin up and her mouth parting so the spoon can lift liquid onto her tongue. It's good, as most dishes Caduceus makes are. "Fucking good, man." She says, swallowing.

Caduceus hums, satisfied, and lets the ladle sit on the edge of the counter. He turns his full attention on Beau. "Miss Beau, I think you know the answer to your question already."

Beau huffs, annoyed. "So you're agreeing with Nott and Caleb then, huh?"

Caduceus smiles. "Yeah. That seems right. You will be fine, I think."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Duece." Beau groans and slumps against the counter, gesticulating wildly. "You were supposed to give me some sort of wise speech like you always do! Something insightful that would have made all my fucking fear and nervousness just... I don't know, go away." 

Caduceus makes a throaty sort of a laugh, the rumble of his voice going deep and sonar. "But if you are expecting the advice, then it doesn't have the same meaning." 

"So?" Beau snorts and then she sighs, pushing off of the counter and heading out of the kitchen. "Thanks anyway, Duecey." 

"You shouldn't be afraid to tell her how you feel." Caduceus says, making her pause in the threshold of the doorway. "You're telling her a truth she already knows. The only thing that's changed right now is you, and change is good. Everybody needs change."

_But what if you don't want it to change_. Beau thinks. _What if you just want more of the same, but different?_

Is that change, or is that selfishness? 

**2\. Yasha**

Beau grows impatient, so she goes down to the training room and starts punching those hanging punching bags they'd set up months ago. She tends to prefer moving targets, but she'd rather not go looking for someone to spar with. She's too caught up in her thoughts and in Caduceus's parting last words to do anything productive.

Of course, that's exactly when Yasha appears, silently and curiously, from behind. "Beau?" She whispers and Beau nearly jumps out of her skin.

She whirls on Yasha, fists raised, sweat on her brow, and Yasha leans away, not frightened but wary. Yasha is always wary now, in ways she had been, before, when Molly was still around, and then when Molly was gone, but she'd mellowed and she'd gotten comfortable with them all again until.... The Laughing Hand, and Obann. They'd saved her, eventually, after a long time of running away and then running towards the chaos they'd unwittingly helped start. They were fuck-ups but they didn't want the world to end over their stupid ass mistakes. And Yasha was theirs. The Mighty Nein never leave their own behind. 

But still, after everything, the end of Obann, the sealing of the Laughing Hand and all its cronies, Yasha was still wary and Beau was starting to think she never would be comfortable again. 

Too much guilt, or whatever. She understands it, even if it pisses her off. 

"Sorry." Beau says, clipped, and shoves her way off the platform, grabs her towel and starts to rub down the sweat from her skin. Yasha watches, eyes skirting over her in a curious but worried way. 

Once, Yasha's gaze might have made Beau's blood thrum quicker, and her throat go dry, but now it only serves as a mild ego boost. 

Yasha is emotionally unavailable anyway, even if Beau wanted to tap that. Not that she does anymore. She respects Yasha too much to want just a quick fuck.

Anyway, she's in love with someone else, and no one else is good enough now. 

"It's okay." Yasha says, eyeing her. "You just... seem tense." 

"Yeah." Beau grunts, and wipes her mouth with her arm. She glances up. "Wanna spar?" She'll take the distraction, even if she hadn't been looking for it. 

Yasha nods, and they position themselves, Beau's arms raised threateningly, and Yasha's stance defensive and ready. They circle each other, and adrenaline begins to spike down Beau's spine. 

She lunges first, brash as ever, and Yasha takes the blows one after the other. When she spars with Yasha, it's different from the other members of the Nein. Nott dodges, leaps, and flies around Beau on light feet, using her quickness and her small size to her advantage. Caleb keeps his distance, always readying with a shield in case Beau gets too close. It's very rare that he will agree to spar, but when he does, Beau generally comes out of it a little singed but feeling hyped on energy and success; fists versus magic and winning? That's a real sexy combination. Jester likes tricks and antics, illusions and false leads. Beau has punched her duplicate more often than not. Caduceus doesn't like to spar but on Beau's insistence, he generally, like Caleb, also keeps his distance and uses his magic to calm her or slow her down. Fjord's style has changed since embracing his new path as a Paladin of the Wildmother. Before, his style was more like Nott, using his magic to keep just out of reach while pummeling her with eldritch blasts and his falchion. Now, he tends towards parrying her blows with his sword, keeping close and using his magic to debilitate her enough, charm her, and then hit her where it counts with eldritch energy. 

But Yasha is Beau's favorite person to spar with, because she takes her blows without flinching, each and every one of them, building up her rage, and hits back harder for it. It's a battle of attrition. Sometimes they can go hours just sparring, and Beau's limbs burn afterwards. In a good way. 

But this time is different. Yasha is holding back, or maybe Beau is hitting harder, but Yasha hasn't raged yet and Beau is getting frustrated when each of her blows hits but Yasha doesn't strike back. Her eyes are watching Beau, judging or trying to figure her out or whatever, and Beau swings wildly in her irritation.

Yasha catches her arm easily, and then the momentum shifts. She knocks Beau to the ground, her arm pinned behind her back, one knee over the small of Beau's spine and Beau curses. 

"Fuck. Fine. You win." Beau says, panting down at the floor. Yasha lets up only a little bit but keeps her pinned.

"You're not focused." She says and Beau tenses. 

"Okay, fair. I've got a lot on my mind." She admits. 

"Is this about you and um..." she pauses.

Beau sighs. "Oh fucking--yes it's about me and Jester. Everyone fucking knows apparently." 

Yasha's smile is in her voice. "I'm not very... good at seeing things, but I always thought you two were cute." 

"Can I..." Beau starts and then stops. "Can I ask about Zuala? About, you know, how you dealt with it? Knowing you loved her?" 

Yasha is quiet and Beau winces, thinking maybe she's crossed a line. It is very rare that Yasha opens up about her relationship with Zuala. Yasha had told them about what had happened, but she hadn't said much more.

"I see myself in you, Beau." She tells her, and Beau freezes and listens. "I think that's why I noticed..." She pauses. "For me and Zuala... I knew I loved her from the beginning but our tribe... I told you... did not approve. Zuala was the one who," she pauses again and Beau almost wants to tell her she doesn't have to explain, if it hurts too bad to talk about, but Yasha pushes on. "Zuala proposed the plan to me. To marry. She was always the one pushing me forward. The one who'd seen me and knew how I felt and told me she felt the same. I was afraid. A coward. I would have held on to my feelings, but we would both have suffered if she hadn't told me hers." 

"You two have a chance at happiness." Yasha tells her. "Zuala is gone... but I wouldn't change having her for whatever little time we had." She leans away a little, giving Beau more room even though Beau is still pinned squarely to the floor. "You two should be happy."

It's not the same, Yasha and Zuala, and then Beau with Jester. But Beau can see what Yasha is trying to tell her. The happiness she has now won't last now that she knows her own feelings. Beau's not a good enough of a person for everything to go on like nothing happened, like Beau never had a sudden realization over drinks with the Nein, Jester's hand accidentally brushing her thigh and Jester's bubbly giggle of an apology in her ear. She'd wanted Jester's hand somewhere else, and that's what had did it, sent her scrambling for the door, Nott and Jester calling after her in confusion. 

Beau has never been in a relationship. (She doesn't count Tori, because Tori and her weren't together. It was just a little fun on the side, a little sex education, adrenaline and kissing and hands down each other's pants. Not romance, just release.) She's never pined after someone, and she doesn't know if she even could. She'd fuck it up somehow and hurt Jester, and that is the last thing she wants to do.

If she wants Jester to be happy... she has to ask her what Jester wants, and to do that... she'll have to tell her what Beau wants. 

Beau sighs at the floor. "Okay, Yasha, okay. You win." 

Yasha moves a little, her knee shifting over Beau's spine. "I know I do. I have you pinned." 

"No, I mean, I'll tell Jester. You and Caleb and Nott and Caduceus too, what you guys said... I'll do it." 

"Oh." Yasha says, surprised. "That's good." 

"Yeah..." Beau mutters and then tries to crane her neck so she can see Yasha's face. "So... uh... you gonna let me up?" 

"There you are!" Nott's voice breaks up their tussle, and the two women look up at her standing at the edge of the platform, hands on her hips. "Jeez, Beau, you've been getting around! I've been looking for you for hours!" 

They disentangle and Beau raises her eyebrow at Nott. "We were just talking like one hour ago."

Nott waves her hand dismissively. "Whatever, I have the thing I said I'd make you." She glances at Yasha and then back at Beau. "Sorry Yasha, it's a secret." 

Yasha shrugs. "Okay. I'll leave you guys." She glances at Beau one last time before she leaves the training room. 

Beau watches her go until Nott's snapping fingers brings her attention back to the halfling. "Earth to Beau." Nott says, eyes narrowed. "Stop checking out Yasha, you have a Jester to woo." 

"Woo?" Beau says, gagging. "You sound like one of Jester's erotic novels." 

Nott snorts, "and you would know, seeing as you read them too." 

Beau frowns. "Whatever. What's this surprise you have for me?" 

Nott's hand goes searching in one of her many pockets before she lifts it and brandishes out an object in the circle of her hand. Beau stares at the ring encased in her palm. It is blue with a shiny button-like gem on the band. Actually, it _is_ a button, the button Nott had plucked from her sleeve. Beau takes it gingerly from Nott. "What is this?" 

"It's a ring, obviously." Nott says, rolling her eyes. "But it's also a button. It's a ring button. It looks like a ring, and you can wear it like a ring, but its a button. Made from a button. So it feels like a button, if that makes sense." 

"Not really, no." Beau says, turning it this way and that.

Nott sighs. "I made the ring out of a few jeweler's materials I had lying around. The button is just a part of it, for the gem part, I mean, since I didn't have any actual gems." She shifts, suddenly awkward. "It's not supposed to be a proposal ring or anything. Its just supposed to be a ring. Jester likes rings." 

"Jester loves rings." Beau corrects. "And she'd fucking love this one. She'd think its cute." 

"Exactly." Nott says, with a wink. "And it's yours. To give to Jester. So. Give it to Jester." 

Beau gives Nott a flat look. "You're joking."

"I never joke, Beau." Nott says, with a straight face. She must be hanging out with Caleb too much. "I worked really hard on it so you can't just keep it all to yourself or hide it somewhere! It's for Jester, from you, so give it to her when you tell her." 

"I can't--" Beau starts to protest but Nott puts her hands over her ears and starts saying loudly over her, "What was that? My son and husband are looking for me? Oh, I must be off!" She grins and points her finger at Beau. "Give. It. To. Her." She says, meaningfully, before dashing off on light feet back upstairs. 

Beau stares at the ring, trepidation and horror mixing in her stomach like a bad stomachache. 

**1\. Fjord**

Beau goes looking for Fjord, because she hasn't talked to him about this yet, and he might as well find out from her instead of hearing about it secondhand after all is said and done. 

He's up in Caduceus's tower, by the tree. He spends a lot of his time up here now, since becoming a Paladin of the Wildmother. It's sort of the reason Beau at first thought maybe he and Caducceus were together or something. Though it seems they're just together in the "we serve the same god" sort of way and not the "we bone each other" sort of way. 

She finds him sitting beside the pool of water Caduceus had made for him to honor Fjord's patron, Uk'otoa, though Fjord obviously doesn't honor Uk'otoa anymore. He's got his eyes closed, and he's sitting in a familiar meditative pose similar to times Beau's seen Caduceus sit down and talk to The Wildmother. 

"Hey, Fjord." She calls, hoping she's not disturbing and Fjord hums in acknowledgement. "Dude. Can we talk?" 

Fjord's eyes open, the yellow slits of his eyes sparking as he turns his head towards her. "Yeah, what's up?" He stands and stretches, as though he'd been in that position for a long time, his joints creaking a little, enough that he winces, before he walks towards the tree and places a gentle hand on the bark. 

"So, this might come as a shock to you." Beau starts, watching him. 

His mouth pulls up in the corner. "That's never a good thing to start with." 

Beau snorts and continues, "So yeah, I'm in love with Jester." 

She braces for bewilderment, a wide-eyed exclamation, or some sort of disbelieving snort. Instead, Fjord glances at her and smiles with his tusks. "So you're planning on finally telling her?" 

"You've got to be kidding me." She snarls. "_You_ know? I was the_ last_ person to know???" 

Fjord chuckles, the lilting tones of his crisp real accent making the sound high and soft rather than deep or low. Beau's gotten used to it now, after months and months, but she still sort of misses the way he used to laugh. "If it makes you feel better? I didn't figure it out. Jester told me." 

"Fuck." Beau glares at the floor, at the flowers and vines of Caduceus's garden growing at her feet. "So she does know, huh?" She'd been hoping deep down that Caleb had been wrong. 

"She does." He says, eyeing her. "But you didn't, huh?"

"No. I'm apparently the oblivious one." She sighs. "I talked to Caleb and Nott and Caduceus and Yasha and they all said I should tell her."

He turns towards her a little, angling himself to watch her. "Why didn't you come and ask me?" It sounds a little hurt, actually, to Beau's surprise.

She stares at him. "Because I knew what you were going to tell me." 

He turns away from her and faces the tree, hand raising back to play with the leaves budding from between the bark. "And what would I have said?" He asks, curiously. 

"You know what." 

Beau hadn't gone to Fjord because she knows he would have given her the answer she wanted to hear. And he doesn't disappoint. "You shouldn't tell her." He says, running his fingers across the tangled leaves, pads brushing across the bark with a tender care. 

She sees Fjord now in ways she hadn't when he'd been pretending to be Vandren. His persona shifted, the way he held himself, the way he acts, the way he talks. He was almost a completely different person, aside from the way he thinks. He's always trying to please the people around him, even now, when he's trying to be himself, he's still trying to please people. He would have told her not to tell Jester because it would have been what Beau wanted him to tell her. Even if he didn't agree with the advice he was giving. Fjord is honest in his dishonesty. 

He huffs another one of his high laughs. "My advice is shit, I know." He says. 

She approaches him and lightly touches his arm; he glances at her. He's much more receptive to touch now than he had been before. "It's not. You're just shit at being straightforward."

"I was straightfoward about your brother."

"True." Beau concedes. "But that's because family is like your schtick. You would have never told us about," she waves her hand at his face and then down to his throat, "your voice or well, you, if you hadn't basically been forced to." 

"Anyway," she continues, before they start having a heart-to-heart. She's had too many of those today, she's reached her quota. "I came to you know because I have a different problem." 

"Okay." He says, leaning up against the tree and patiently waiting for her to continue. She sighs and fishes the ring out of her pocket and shows it to him. His eyes bulge.

"You're gonna propose?" He says, voice going incredibly high. 

"No!" Beau shouts, glaring. "No. It's just a... gift." 

"It's a ring, Beau."

"I know it's a ring!" She growls. "Should I actually give it to her?" 

"Well, if you are planning on proposing..."

"I'm not going to propose, shut up." She stashes the ring back into her robes. "Fuck you."

"Okay, okay." Fjord says, holding his hands up, placating. "I'm sorry. Did Nott make you that? Looks like her handiwork." 

"Yeah, she did."

"Well, Jester likes rings, and it's a good gift." He continues. "So," he shrugs. "Go for it." 

Beau rubs her arm. "You think so?" 

"Yeah, I mean." He points to her pocket where the ring is hiding. "That's your way of confessing your feelings, right? She'll love it." 

"Okay." She breathes in and then out. "Okay." She turns to go and then pauses. "Thanks." She says, over her shoulder.

"Hey," Fjord calls, stopping her. She turns to him and he nudges her with his shoulder. "She loves you." He tells her. "She's just been waiting to hear you say it back." 

Beau bites her lip. "Jester's usually really open about these kinds of things."

"Yeah, but you're not." Fjord reminds her and Beau looks away. He claps a hand on her shoulder, brotherly. "It'll be fine." 

Beau looks at his hand on her shoulder and then looks at him. "You're my best friend, you know that right?" 

"I thought Jester was your best friend?"

"Well I love her, so you've been upgraded to best friend. So that means when I do propose," and she swallows just thinking about it. Fjord's eyes flickered, something like amusement and surprise in his expression. Maybe he hadn't been expecting to hear her say that, "you're gonna be my best man, got it? Jester can have Nott." 

Fjord smirks and then holds out his fist. "Good luck," he says. She huffs, but bumps his fist back anyway. 

**+1 Jester**

Beau fingers the ring between her hands. She feels like a fool. A fool who is stupidly in love and apparently everyone she cares about knows it. 

Jester appears in their room, a swirl of fabric, bags laden with clothes, her smile wide and excited and beautiful. "Beau!" She says, lighting up and Beau would swoon if she were anyone else. "You're here! Okay okay, so I got all these dresses and I need someone to try them on with!! I mean, you don't have to try them on, I can try them on and you can tell me if they look good or not!" 

"Yeah, sure Jessie." Beau says, smitten, and Jester's grin widens even more. She leaps forward and presses a kiss to Beau's forehead, pleased. Beau would swoop up and catch her mouth with hers instead if she weren't scared out of her goddamn mind. 

Jester turns to scramble through her bags. "Okay, which one should I start with???? I've got like five different purple ones, and a gray one, and then there's this super cute one with shimmery sparkles in it, kinda like the Bright Queen's...." 

"Hey, Jessie..." 

"Yesssss Beau?" 

Beau's hand tightens around the ring. Here's to fucking everything. "I have something I want to tell you..." 


End file.
